Stop the time, Please. ( लघु कथा)

Am I depressed?

Nowadays, I just sleep all day, and when I am not sleeping, I stare at the plain wall as if I could see through it. All the books that I've read suggest that sleeping too much is a sign of depression. Am I depressed? I do not know, I am not depressed, maybe I am, or maybe I am in love with the thought of being depressed. 

I don’t know, honestly, but these days I feel as if everything has slowed down inside of me. 

I want to write something, but all I do is stare at the computer screen. I go out, but just to feel how empty I am inside. I do not know why I am writing all these here, but I want to write about it; maybe I am in love with the process of writing it down and romanticizing it. 

But back to the topic, am I depressed?

I do not know, but these days I just want to end my life. I stare at the ceiling fan and think about hanging myself, or I look out of the window and think about jumping out of it. 

Am I crazy? No, I am not. 

Maybe I am, or maybe I am just in love with the thought of being crazy. I do not know, but these days I just eat whatever I get and wear anything that my hands get from the closet. Music doesn’t calm my nerves, and movies are boring, and flowers, flowers are overrated.

Back to the topic, am I depressed?

I have people to talk to, but these days I choose not to; I just keep myself busy with the things that are especially relevant to my job, so that I do not have the time to think about these things.

Sometimes I even take long walks where I just walk without thinking about anything. I do not stop until I realize that I have started to breathe heavily. 

Some of my friends say that these are also the signs of loneliness; they do not use the word depression, although they mean the same thing.

I do not know if I am depressed, maybe I am depressed, but who cares? Things go as they are, life goes as it is. 

I do not know if I am depressed, but I haven’t been myself lately, maybe I am depressed.

Or I am normal, this is how a normal being should feel. I hate being normal. I want anything but normal.

Hopefully,y I am depressed and not normal.